Saturday, October 23, 2010

ALANON

Drugs Suck!
I was thinking about my brother the other day, well I always think about him - so lets say more than usual,  and decided to call him and found the phone was disconnected.


It was just a disposable cricket thing from what I can tell, but it was disconnected nonetheless...


This always causes me to worry. He's been MIA before and without a phone, and always for some reason I worry more.


Not that bad things wont happen if he has a working phone, its just a comfort mechanism my brain allows me.


So again,  it is now,  every time the phone rings late at nite,  I worry that its "The Call"


There is a constant worry around me, that follows like a shadow. I cant reach him so therefore I must worry.


I know, it makes no rational sense at all, hence the reason said idiosyncrasies have led me to possibly pursue AL ANON


I guess it is a program for families and loved ones of addicts/alcoholics.


Ding ding ding.....Yahtzee!  That's me.


For some reason I have been thinking about him more than usual, even before I consciously knew the phone was no longer - perhaps its the Big S and the passing of my 1st Anniversary.


I often wonder if I saw my brother and he was lucid, if I would tell him? I think not. I am not sure he would really understand it anyway OR it may hurt him to the core, which is unnecessary.


My brother, albeit, a homeless meth addict/alcoholic - is a genuinely beautiful person with an amazing heart. Life is just a puzzle for which his piece does not fit. He is a great guy, handsome, charismatic - but with deep wounds and a really horrible disease.


When I think of him, I hurt and I hope.


I hope he is happy, well, eating, loving, laughing.....


I know what my brother is, what he has been and has been capable of for a long time. I have not had the expectations that my other family has had on/of/for him.


I guess because I saw it, so many times first hand. Ever since he was a teenager, it seems that I was his "It". It was my window he crawled through, my number he called, me he asked to save him when he wanted to die.


Sadly - My parents got to see first hand when they moved here to Arizona and my brother came out here too (after he called me for train tickets)


I think my parents have finally grieved for the son they wished they had had, the son that will never be and have accepted the son that he is.


It is a hard thing....to grieve for someone who is still alive.


It is painful.


I think to myself, if I should get bad - if my lungs should fail.... would I get to see him before I left?


I also ponder..... what if I were to go first? A life, a gift wasted on alcohol and drugs and one stolen early by a disease not asked for.


I don't blame my brother, I love him so much. I think I bear the burden of knowing him, the true deep him, more than anyone else in our family. Bo and I were a team and Debbie and Bree were a team - that's how it was growing up till I left home......although I left early.


Addiction is a crazy thing. The ripples and waves it causes.


I guess I have always felt that my brother would not live a long life. AS I get older, perhaps that's why I seem to worry more. Our moralities are closer than they used to be.


I mean not to be a pessimist, I just know all that we have been through. All he has been through. I know his liver is sick. I know he has seizures if he does not drink, I know he urinates blood, I know he blacks out... I know it still happens because the ER bills still come to the house - my moms house.


but there is hope. An old friend of my brothers just got clean. He was pretty into drugs too and his last rehab stuck! Good for him.... It is amazing.


Other friends of my brothers got out of the game years ago. Became doctors, lawyers, had kids, got married - went to AA and keep on keeping on. Good for them.


I don't know what is meant to be for my brother (or me for that matter)


I just want so desperately to hope he is happy. In his own way. That his life is a gift he is enjoying...in his way.


Anyway - Someone told me with cricket you can buy more minutes and reconnect the phone, so for now I am holding out hope that will happen


If not, he knows my home number - which I will never let go of, so I am always here if he calls.


For now - AL ANON on Thursday nites at 6:00pm


Kinda scared to go alone... I guess that's part of the disease? Co dependant?


I dunno, I just really think it would be good with the holidays coming up...


I sure do love him though!

2 comments:

  1. Sorry about the double spacing - It isnt like that on my end....thats annoying. Sorry!

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  2. Alanon is like chicken soup! You go because it helps you deal with the alcoholic/addict in your life, but as it turns out, it helps with everything else as well.

    ReplyDelete