Sunday, November 7, 2010

MR-I hate them..................

I have an MRI tomorrow for my ear. Yuk!

I hate MRIs - I am claustrophobic now (apparently) and once I get under the damn thing I have to itch, must move my arms, have a cramp, need to pee.... boy does my brain do a number on me.

I get that it is mind over matter and I am in control, but I think there is a Xanax with my name on it for tomorrow morning.

I even go to the open MRI and I am this bad. Seriously!

I had to get an MRI of the brain last year, so I went to the open MRI and found that it is open - but they strap your head to the table in this mask "Silence of the Lambs" style and it freaked me out.

I couldn't do it. The tech kept telling me how long it was going to be, could I sit still that long, I had to keep my head still and when I asked how long, she would not say, telling me it was better not to know so it would go faster............ and she was a tad gruff while saying it all, but I went to the table like a good girl and lay down. She told me to put the ear plugs in and put a cloth on my face, but I told her that those to additional confining elements would just make me feel worse. She didn't listen, as she told me she knew best - so I kept the plugs in and cloth on and wow.

I think I made it about maybe 7 minutes before I was dones-ville. The tech asked me if I wanted a "sitter" with me to hold my hand, and I said no. I asked how much longer and she replied she wasn't going to tell me and I could get through it to which I replied,  I just think I need to be done for the day and come back with an anti-anxiety med on board. But she kept me there, and my flight or fight kept increasing - and she kept telling me I know you can do this and I would say, no I don't think I can.. and she said No, you will get through this and can do it and by that time I was in full blown panic mode and yelled back "What I know is I want to get the hell of this table so let me out now" to which she responded by not so nicely letting me out and off the table, where I had to then proceed and make the walk of shame out of the building. Memories.....

Well, I did go back and requested a different tech with xanax on board, I made sure my head was in a good place and I did it! I was so proud that the girls up front (who were witness to my previous walk of shame) actually gave me a standing ovation and hugs. Ahhh...yes. I know how to make friends and have a good time.

Well, I had to pick up contrast from the same imaging center last week for my CT scan, and I did not see any of the old crew that helped me through the MRI last time, so we will see. Wish me luck.

I am going to get a good nights sleep and pop my xanax around 7:00 for my 8:00 MRI.

Send me good, calming and relaxing vibes.

Mind over matter - Mind over matter - Mind over matter.

AS always, I will keep you posted.

Good Night!

MRI Machine Broken - Thank the heavens above. Was not ready for it......Ug.
Rescheduled to Monday the 15th at 12:30!!


  1. Good luck and thank you for posting regularly. We you don't post, I worry about you. I, too, am about sick of scleroderma. I've really just had enough! I am envious of the fact that you seem to have excellent medical care. I am trying a new rheumy at the Medical University of South Carolina on Nov. 15, so I will let you know what he says. My CT showed nodules in my lungs, a cyst in my bladder, and a cyst in my spleen. However, no one even mentioned that this might be because of my scleroderma.

  2. You are just too sweet Anonymous!!

    I am just so sorry. I'm sick of it too and I wish there was something I could do or say to take your frustration away.

    I'm a hugger and I wish I lived closer, because I would give you a hug, hold ya, let you vent and know your not alone....

    But I'm out here in AZ the wonderful world of upside down mortgages and heat! Please know that I'm with you in spirit and if you ever have one of those really bad days... you know what I mean, when you want to check into a Holiday Inn because everything is just TOO MUCH and no one gets it.... email me! We can chat - cuz I get it and your not alone.

    I too really am sick of every aspect of it of late. Even the small stuff no one thinks about. Like, if I shop at Walmart and run errands and am then too tired to go to the impromtu BBQ at the neighbors do I get mad? sad? frustrated or happy cuz I was ABLE to go TO the Walmart.

    Do we worry about that stuff or is it petty, and we should just enjoy the time we have left and make the most of the quality of life we have - EVEN if that is always changing.

    I wish I knew the right graceful dignified way to deal with this disease, but I'm just muddling through making the most of it. I guess thats what we all do. : )

    Well as far as my care, I cannot complain about the Mayo Clinic. If it is in network for you, many people do travel out here once a year for the one stop shopping. They usually get you scanned from head to toe and see ALL of the specialist in 2-3 days if you are out of town. You could stay here? Not the Ritz, but free....

    The clinic here is a Scleroderma Center of Excellence so they are really great. They do the SCOT trial here too, so they are researching all the time.

    I have a lung nodule too - but nothing has come of it. It has not grown and is stable, so no one is worrying about it. Have you got a chest CT yet?? Please do.

    Your bladder and spleen. Well, I was told the bladder wall thickening seen on my CT is a direct result of the Big S.

    I was also told the enlargement of my liver and spleen were also autoimmune related. They are filter organs and our immune systems work overtime so our filter organs do to, blah blah blah....

    My last CT showed the liver is still enlarged but spleen is normal and my blood tests are normal so they are not worrying about them either. I just get to have the yearly CT scan to watch them all.

    The website is great if you use their search mechanism and type in liver, spleen, thyroid - etc... It shows research or medical papers that outline ALL of the fun stuff you can get with the Big S.

    Make sure you are in a good place mentally and emotionally first though - because, it will pretty much go anywhere (more than you see on the average websites) so?

    Who much info is too much?

    Thank you so much for thinking about me! Please keep in touch and know you are not alone in your frustration.

    Have an amazing evening!!


  3. So glad for your comment Stacie. You guys have said exactly what i feel. I'm sick of scleroderma-- done with it. In fact I've been wanting to cancel my doctors' appointments and just ignore the whole thing-- like it will goin away or something. It won't, I know. I just wish that checking in to a Holiday Inn would really be a vacation from the Big S. I'm so glad you guys are there, real about your disease, and supporting each other. Just reading your blog and comments makes me feel a little less crazy! thanks!