Hi there folks!!
Wow - Tis the season already. Can you believe it. Life happens quickly.
If you have read my blog for a while, you may recall my holidays last year were not so great, but this year I'm on a quest...a Christmas Quest for fun
And let me just say, that so far so good.
I am in such a better place mentally and emotionally than I was last year. The shock and fear of the diagnosis has subsided, and I think the understanding and acceptance of the diagnosis has finally been absorbed. Sometimes I don't think the finality of what this all means has completely sunk in - but with acceptance comes peace and I am at peace.
The anxiety caused by the fear, which in turn caused depression is gone and has been replaced with a new outlook and understanding of my life as I now know it. I am learning to accept, not only the disease - but all of the aspects that it brings along with it.
The Big S - and chronic disease has a ripple affect and touches everyone and everything in your life - and I didn't know how to cope and deal with that. I had expectations of how I thought people should act when finding out or expected that people should react the way I would have... and I understand and accept that I cannot have any expectations of anyone with regard to this journey - only of myself - as I am the one walking it and therefore only I know how it feels, how I feel, how it affects me and how it has changed my life.
Not that I am not entitled to my feelings, which I am - which is why I blog.
This is my place to express how I feel, share what I feel, speak what I feel. Hopefully without judgement - but... as in life, nothing is really without judgement. We all do it - even without meaning to, but we do. It's when we judge without empathy or understanding that trouble starts. There is always perception and interpretation, and when written word is open to interpretation - the reader can pass judgement or interpret however they feel, however it will make them feel better or allow them feel empowered. Look at Waco. He was a "Christian" who chose to interpret the Bible in his own twisted way. Or politics.. left - right... Hell, CNN vs Fox.
So judgement and interpretation happens.....and that includes this blog - but the purpose of this blog and my reasons for writing are to create a safe place, hopefully free of judgement - to express how I feel. In the moment. Albeit, good-bad-or ugly.
In the moment I write and yep, in that moment I may want to take my ball and go home. Be envious that Marcia gets more attention than I do or Whine Nelly Olson is a big meanie...but it is how I feel. In the moment and not all moments are good.
Some moments I do get jealous of the energy my friends have, or that people are able to take time off because they are sick with a cold - and in some moments I may feel that is a luxury I wish I had... but that is how I feel and I am entitled to those feelings....no matter what they are or how silly they may sound - that is the reality of my world with the Big S.
I would love to say that I live my life Jackie-O style, everyday with grace and dignity - but I don't. I falter. I get envious. I sulk. and then I bounce back again. I am a work in progress, as I always say.
I am learning to live a new life everyday, as my life changes everyday since my symptoms and abilities do. That is my reality and with those changes come the ups and downs of how I feel .... and I want to be real when I share them, as I don't want anyone else who may feel the same to EVER feel alone in them.
It is OK to feel...... IT IS OKAY TO FEEL!
And the best part is everyday, in those feelings, a lesson learned... to bring with you in your future journeys.
I am alone in my journey in my body - but my soul is open and full. At least I hope. I strive for that. To be true and to learn - to see things from all perspectives and understand, accept, grow.....enjoy, live, be - love.
Life is great and amazing. It may not always happen the way we wish, but we are all just so lucky it happens!! Even with the Big S.
Life is good and I am SO ready for the holiday season. Bring it on!
Santa Claus is coming to town!!!