It was shocking news and completely unexpected. I wasn't prepared for it at all. It aaffected me all weekend and I would find myself weeping for no reason out of nowhere.
The thing is, we weren't especially close. She was almost an acquaintance. I say friend because if she needed me for something I would be there. She invited me to parties (that I never attended....) and she was nice.
Maybe part of it is a wake up call to the reality that People Die.
People Die everyday... we just don't know it because we are busy living our lives, until one day you make a call and ask for Brandy and find out she has died.
Perhaps I feel guilty for all of the invites that were unattended? Maybe I wised I would have gotten to know her better. Hope that she knew I liked her. Hope that she was happy when she passed. Was she happy the last time I saw her?
So many things swirl around in your mind after someone passes... and because she wasn't a close friend - I think what it is you are supposed to feel becomes a bit confusing.
I feel better today. It is Tuesday but I had a rough weekend. I found myself talking to her... desperately hoping she was happy and in a good place. Which is strange because we didn't talk much when she was alive. Death and mourning is a funny thing.
I think I am still a tad numb about it. I think it really hit me in a deep place and perhaps the timing of the news wasn't the best. I am alone here in my "Drop House" with just my mattress, TV and Treadmill awaiting school to be over so my son and I can join my husband in Louisiana. I think loneliness magnifies everything anyway.... of course there were other drama's this weekend that aren't worth even mentioning which I sure made absorbing the information even more difficult. But I still take pause every once in a while and find myself so sad at how young she was.
Perhaps this is because she is close to my age. Am I at the age that peers begin to die? Was she sick too? Maybe it is just the reminder of the obvious - People Die. Or maybe this is just normal good old fashioned mourning of a life lost? What are the rules? Am I allowed to mourn someone I wasn't that close to, what feeling of loss is justified in this situation...? Silly things. A beautiful young life was lost and it is tragic.
She is not my first friend to die. My dear friend Rico died 12 years ago. I loved him so deeply.
His death was a shock too. His mom called to tell me. She then sent me the photos of the Hawaiian memorial of his life. I was younger then, so it hit me differently. We were close, so my mourning and the loss that I felt seemed valid. He was Rico. My Rico... The Rico I would go visit in Hawaii for weeks at a time . We would island hop to see my brother. The Rico that when his Malaria would flare, it was me he would ask for. During his flares, his mom would call ME to talk to him to make him feel better - so was the loss I felt then more justified?
Rico was my world traveler. My free spirit soul mate. My Hawaiin Surfer. His mom was an anthropologist - archaeologist so he lived everywhere growing up. She did what I wanted to do had I not taken the teenage pregnancy route - lol. He lived in Niece... that is where he got his malaria. My silly beautiful amazing Rico who I still love SO DEEPLY to this day and miss so much! Another peice of my puzzle that is missing.
So loss and death are not foreign to me... but this one hit home in a far different place and where it hit, I cannot seem to find or figure out. I wonder if my own mortality has something to do with it. My first death and loss since my diagnosis of the Big S? My first loss at my new older age. I don't know the answers to the questions. I just kind of keep pondering them... but like I said - it is now Tuesday and it is easier today.
My heart bleeds for her family. And I hope that when I did (and/or do) talk to Brandy that she can here me and know I thought she was great! Rest in Peace Brandy Reed.
|Rico - Classic Form|
|My Rico - My Clown|
Rest in Peace Friends..... I love you Rico!